If I could be in charge of all things college football, here’s how things would look. • We’re taking Lou Holtz off ESPN and moving him to our new college football channel, and only so he can host his very own reality show (we’ll call it “I Could’ve Been a Senator” or something like that) where cameras follow him around 24-7 and record everything he does. The public needs to know if he chides the waitress at his local diner for not giving it her 110 percent, or if he even has any idea what year it is.
• I’m tired of tweaking the BCS system. Watching college football’s higher-ups dance a merry jig and try to spin this thing for the last decade has been embarrassing, not to mention an insult to the intelligence of anyone with half-a-brain who cares anything about where the sport is headed. So we’re going to figure out a way to come up with a workable playoff system, or we’re going back to the way things used to be, when people were more concerned with winning their conference than the national championship. Sorry, but it had to be done.
• Speaking of playoff systems, here’s my idea: a top-6 playoff where the top-two seeds receive a first-round bye (and only because the regular season should mean something). Also, we’re keeping the BCS formula, but adding this wrinkle: your conference championship is immaterial. If you’re in the top-6, you’re in the top-6. Period.
• Jumbotrons must come down and come down at once. They are unsightly, obnoxious and unnecessary. Also, artificial noise pumped through speakers — a la Auburn in 2006 against Florida — will draw a fine.
• The real academic standards start today. No more free rides to the pros, guys — you either respect the “student” part of your label, or you find a different means of making a living. Our universities have looked the other way long enough.
• We’d like to come up with an equitable way for all athletes to receive a stipend of some sort. Unfortunately, there’s simply no fair way to do it. We’re already breaking the bank just to have these teams in the first place.
• Our efforts to shorten games are only antagonizing everybody, and we’re not addressing the real culprits of game length: the television networks. So we’re telling them to cram it and taking away one TV timeout per half. There. That should help a little.
• Navy, Army and Air Force will be forced to run the triple option until either the world ends or the terrorists take us over. Because if the military schools don’t run the option ... quite frankly, the terrorists are already gaining ground.
• No more scheduling I-AA opponents. It’s a waste of everyone’s hard-earned money, including the universities doing the scheduling (like Georgia and Alabama, who are shelling out big bucks so that Georgia Southern and Western Kentucky can come to town, get pasted and leave). While we’re on the subject, it’s worth exploring whether we can go back to a mere three divisions, just to clear up this ridiculous “I-AA or FCS” nonsense.
• Also, as I’ve had quite enough of the fat man, anyone who sees Peter Griffin should throw apples at him.
(That’s a joke. Come on.)
• No more babying quarterbacks. You put on a helmet and pads just like everybody else, Nancy. At some point, we have to accept that this is a violent sport where highly-skilled athletes collide with one another on a regular basis. People get hurt. It’s part of the game.
• Finally, enough of the fan behavior nonsense. Passion and zealotry are OK; putting the safety of participants (players and coaches) simply isn’t. And so we’re assigning the meanest fraternity on each campus to be in charge of policing each student section, to keep things in check.
And if that doesn’t work ... we’ll think about playing every game at 10 a.m.
(Yikes. This is why I shouldn’t be in charge of anything.)
